Re-thinking Resolutions
I started writing this blog post in a silly mood. Noticing that all my favorite bloggers were already writing about (or making fun of….) their resolutions started me thinking. Did you know, for example, that as Americans we are so obsessed with our self-improvement that there is an actual government website listing the most chosen resolutions? Really. We are still a Puritan bunch when it comes down to it. Of course, we don’t keep said resolutions, but that is another story.
Yet as I was trying to be cheeky and clever, something happened. I found I couldn’t joke around about what other bloggers were saying between the lines. With maybe one exception, everyone was writing about what they didn’t want to do anymore. With a poignancy that jumped off the page, people were tired, and fed-up with so much Doing. In fact, the overarching theme was the wonderfulness of doing nothing and having that be the best resolution of all.
Writers wondered why the holidays—relentlessly billed as peaceful and joyful—had become freighted with stress, despite all our best efforts.
Now, this subject is hardly new. We love to rant about consumerism for example. And it could also be our age. If the bloggers I love to read are close to my age, we are all in the zeitgeist.
I’ll be the first to admit it: I love this time of year. Even though I celebrate the solstice more than the religious significance of the holiday, I love my Christmas tree, garlands on the porch, a fireplace, and good food shared with friends and family. That said, I’ll never go back to some old ways that have caused me harm. Let me explain.
About a year ago, a close friend and professional therapist wrote a piece called “Take the Fall.” My friend, Nan Narboe,—who gives away tips on her blog from thirty plus years of working with clients gave me a gift with this idea. I guess I must have been ready to hear it.
Nan’s words say it best: “Not that I’ve ever been in a boxing ring, but I like the term. Say that you are overmatched; the opposition is bigger and stronger than you—take the fall. Or the game is rigged and you’re slated to lose. Take the fall.” After applying this to my own life, I realized this was something I could do anytime I had to work so hard at coping with something, that the energy it took to deal with the situation came at an unacceptable cost to my health.
With this new perspective came the realization: I can just lay down the struggle. I don’t need to explain myself, work to fix things that are unfixable, or spend huge amounts of energy if there is abuse or lack of boundaries. No. I can willingly lose the match (to continue with the sports analogy for the moment.) I can dial down the fight or flight mechanism; dial down the stress.
I could take the fall. And come away whole.
So maybe the question vis-à-vis Christmas, resolutions, or any stressor is “have I taken on more than is good for me?” (Believe me, I do understand that we don’t always have a choice.)
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Because I was quiet inside, the holidays were great this year. There was a moment when I was listening to my Dad and sister singing together and I felt time stand still. I’ll never forget it. It was the real meaning of Christmas for me. I keep the picture of the two of them on my phone and look at it everyday.
But I know that I will never be immune to these challenges of trying to do too much. Last night, on New Year’s Eve, after weeks of activity, my husband and I elected to stay home and enjoy the quiet of a warm fire and a good movie. About 9:00 pm, two emergency vehicles with paramedics pulled up across the street at our neighbor’s home.
Our neighbor and friend had suffered a seizure or stroke (the doctors are still performing tests) and was being taken on a stretcher to the hospital. I thought about her situation: a lovely woman with a big family, a husband with a serious cancer, and a person who never says No. To anyone. About anything. I know this because she has told me. Each time we talk, she is almost ill with the stress of accommodating others.
I grieve for her because it could just as easily have been me.
This reminds me of an important book I’ve read because of my own health scares: When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection by Gabor Mate’ M.D.
A quote from Dr. Mate’s book electrifies me: “If we are prevented from learning how to say no, our bodies end up saying it for us.”
Practicing the skillful use of saying no: now there’s a life-saving new year’s resolution.
Shame it’s not on the .gov list.
This is such a thoughtful post. I’m a big believer in saying to no to things that don’t enrich us and are pointless duties. When people say, “But you have to do this…” my answer is always “Why?” More often than not, the other person has no true reason for their actions. Their actions are simply conditioned reactions rather than reasoned choices. By choosing carefully how to spend my time, the way I spend it is richer and more meaningful.
I found this interesting quote today: “let go of anything in your life that does not support the emergence of your full powers.” It seems like that is what you are saying too. I really value your comments here Tammy. Always do.
You know, Susie…I think this new year is gonna be different somehow for many of us. I feel it in my bones. Those of us who are saying these same things and are connected to each other in one way or another…mainly through our blogs…are gonna hold hands together and just make “it” happen the way it’s supposed to be. Our collective voice will make us stronger and quieter. Our NO will be stronger and quieter. And together we’ll hold each other accountable. That’s my promise to you, my new, strong and quiet friend!
Promise me you’ll help with the accountability part Ginnie?!? And if you let me know what I can help with, I’ll do my part. It’s a deal.
This post makes me wonder if it’s human nature to continually push ourselves. I have taken on a lot in the last year or so, and I’m beginning to weed things out now. I think we all do that. Take on too much, then realize we need to cut back. Your post is a good reminder to continually think about not taking on too much, and to “take the fall” when out-matched by obligations. The last part about your neighbor is so sad. I hope she will be o.k.
I think it must be Holley. And then when we come back ’round to slowing down again, we are wiser and our activities mean more. I know this also goes without saying, but some people just have huge amounts of energy, like some of the plants in our gardens that grow without stopping. I’ve never been one of those people. That’s why the ‘Taking the Fall” tip was so freeing. I LOVE that you completely got it. Oh, and our neighbor’s husband just stopped by–tests are still being run, but it looks like she will be okay. I’m so grateful for that and you are very kind to wonder.
Inspiring blog Susie on taking the fall. I love it! I am going to check Dr. Gabor Mate’s book too.
Buon anno e felicita’, <3 m.
Buon anno e tanti auguri Marisol. Speriamo di avere un anno bellissimo. You will LOVE Dr. Mate’s book by the way. It is right up your alley. Please tell me what you think when you read it….
Very good post… Thought provoking….. That was one thing that I have done a lot more of this past year… Said no…. I tend to overdo always…. Lessons to be learned….. Michelle
I know that after my breast cancer, I searched far and wide for indications of a “cancer personality” and found that this has been soundly disproved. It’s more a case of whether a cancer is tricky enough to evade the medicines being thrown at it. That said, stress always makes us more vulnerable, and I think you and I are going to learn that lesson down to our toes Michelle.
Susie I’d say that is a great resolution we could all do better with….my body tells me no in a loud voice these days and I am listening. Taking the fall is something I have been working on as I try to let go. Very inspiring my friend!!
Thanks Donna, I always appreciate what you have to say. This year is already off to a big start for you with garden plans and also with a sense of deep quiet for your creative self. I admire what you are doing. Are you up for a combined effort to attract “Writers in the Garden?” I’ll send you a separate email.
Susan: I’m so glad I stopped by today. This is incredibly great advice. I tend to say “no” more often than my husband, and sometimes I feel a little guilty about it. But sometimes I know I simply can’t live up to the expectations of constantly saying “yes.” I tend to say “no” more often during the holidays and during the winter, because I know my body can’t handle stress as much at that time of year. Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom!
I’m so glad you stopped by too! I appreciate your comment. During the holidays, I had a post-it above my desk–a quote from that Gabor Mate’ book I referenced. It said: “Stress is an alarm clock that lets you know you’re attached to something not true for you.” That has set me thinking I can tell you! I don’t know that it’s always true, but I bet it is often enough.
Thank you for the wonderful comments on my blog. You are very thoughtful….. Is this the post you wanted linked into Nature Notes? I will adjust the link to come right here….. Michelle
Take the Fall!! That is WONDERFUL! I often tend to take the fall and get myself into situations or lofty goals I know are above me, but I had always taken the fall with subtle (or sometimes strong) feelings of failure and disappointment in myself. Now it seems clear that “taking the fall” and even attempting things that will predicate this fall is an act of courage, an embracing of life. Thank you!!
Julie
Hi Julie, I just realized that we talked in person, but I didn’t thank you on the site for your wonderful comment. I’m really glad you related to the “Take the Fall” idea because it sure struck a chord with me when my friend shared the idea. (She uses it in her practice a lot…) And I think you have actually said it best, that to Take the Fall is an act of courage and compassion. For ourselves. It’s been a pleasure to meet you Julie; thanks for subscribing and stopping by.